Orlando Mirror

One week during the fall of last year, my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousin and I all made a trip down to Disney World. It was a wonderful few days full of laughter and great family time. But during the trip I remembered that there's something a little bittersweet about Disney World for a gay guy trying not to act gay. There are perfectly happy gay couples pretty much everywhere. The sight of the two young adult guys holding hands, which repulses my dad and brother, feels right to me in a way I don't understand.

Ironically, the last time I was in Disney World (during April 2014), I felt the attraction very strong then too. I certainly hadn't come out to myself at that point nor was I close to it, but I do remember feeling that familiar pull in my heart.

One day I saw a group of particularly attractive gay guys at the park, and I returned to our hotel that night feeling so confused. I distinctly remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, truly at a loss as to why they and their lifestyle appealed so much to me. At a loss as to why seeing them made me feel like a fraction of me was missing. That moment in the hotel bathroom is one of the most vivid memories I have of experiencing raw emotion in terms of this struggle. I wasn't suffering; I wasn't elated or depressed. But I inwardly knew then that homosexuality was a part of me. I knew then that it would be a heavy burden at times, and although I would potentially never fully understand it, I knew it wouldn't be a burden to carry alone.

Looking in that hotel mirror in Orlando, I was so confused and simultaneously everything clicked. As paradoxical as it may sound, few things about my situation made sense yet it all made sense. It made sense to me that I should be confused-- that I should have to fight, that life would mean joy and pain and being lost.

I may have not noticed it then, but I certainly notice it now as I write. It is in fleeting moments such as these that I can't help thinking, "God, I love being human." The experience of living as a soul on Earth is a beautiful thing. Somehow, when I see the suffering and the blessings, the light and dark and everything in between, I know it all has value beyond verbal description.

We are here as humans -- to feel for the sake of feeling and love for the sake of loving -- no matter what that means. We and whatever we may experience are all intrinsic aspects of something bigger, something collective, infinite, and beautiful.

It makes sense.